In Defense of Self-Interest

For my first Father’s Day as a dad, I got a mug. Don’t get me wrong; it’s a lovely, customized travel mug. It’s covered in pictures that are now way out of date, since our first child had only been around for a few months. In one, she has that little baby smile every new parent craves. In another, she’s swaddled in a hospital blanket and tubes as I hold her during that brief, initial stay in the NICU. Even though we’ve taken countless pictures since, I still treasure every time I pull that mug out of the cupboard.

I remember holding it one Sunday in the Fellowship Hall, when a wise person pointed to the large “DAD” lettering on the side and said, “Be careful. Don’t let parenthood become your entire identity. You’re still you, you know.”

It took me a long time to figure out how poignant that advice really was. As much as I love my children, I have learned over the years that I am best as a parent when I care for myself as well as I care for them. Some days, that means I pour coffee in my mug before I get started on breakfast for everyone else.

Or, in the sage advice of flight attendants, “Put on your own oxygen mask before turning to assist others.”

You do not have to think poorly of yourself in order to be a good person. You do not have to put your own needs on the back burner in order to care for other people. Your identity is your own, first and foremost. Your needs, interests, and hopes are every bit as valid as the needs of everyone else.

A lot of folks get told this idea that it is bad to think about ourselves. Strangely, the people who hear it most are those who are often overlooked: women, people of color, and LGBTQIA folks, to name a few. “Pride goeth before the fall,” as people misquoting Proverbs 16 will say. Yes, some people can be conceited, focused inward, and concerned only about themselves, but that is not the same thing as having self esteem. You can be proud of who you are without putting others down. And, you can tend to the needs of others without neglecting your own needs. There is enough space for everyone to be celebrated and valued for who they are. Love and service are not zero sum games. There should be no winners or losers when it comes to compassion.

There’s this passage in Paul’s letter to the Philippians where he makes a plea to empathy. He writes: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others.”

Paul was dealing with issues of arrogance when he wrote those words. The selfishness of a few was threatening the unity of the community. In the verses that follow, he reminds us that Jesus, the Son of God, had the greatest reason of all to be proud and boastful, yet he gave all that up in order to serve to the point of death. But you are not Jesus. You do not have to die in order to serve anyone. And even Jesus made sure to take care of himself and refill his cup every now and then.

I recently heard another pastor say that we don’t have to choose between being selfish or being selfless. We can meet in the middle with self-interest, caring for ourselves and focusing our outward care in ways that line up with our passions. That is the very definition of compassion. I am self-interested in raising my children as best I can. I am self-interested in creation care. And as Christians, my hope is that all of us are self-interested in sharing the good news of Jesus by the way we live with compassion for one another. 

Peace,

Pastor Chad McKenna